Sunday, Mark and I got into a fight again, no surprise there. I was currently in my PJs (a night shirt, and socks), and covered in cold rain. Why? You may ask? Mark and I had a fight, and he told me that to make up for never cleaning, having the house in a filthy mess all the time, and being a bitch constantly, and after him slapping me in the face, threatening to shoot me with the gun he borrowed from his father (to protect his car, which almost got stolen a few weeks ago) in the bedroom closet, (which I didn't even know was in the house) telling me I don't deserve to breathe, that I deserve to be hit repeatedly, and me repeatedly trying to get him to calm down and sit and talk to me instead of hitting me, he would not, he just kept hitting me. And then, took my cellphone and threw it across the apartment (or so I thought), there was a moment when he wasn't following me and I started looking for my broken cellphone. While looking all over the livingroom, he decided he was going to throw random things at me, asking "did that hit you??" and saying "damn" when I calmly and quietly said no, he came in and meanly asked "what the fuck are you doing??!!!!" I said, "Looking for my cellphone" and he told me it was in the bedroom, behind the door. I was surprised it was in one working piece. I grabbed it, and went into the bathroom, and closed the door. I was a bit shaken, but I thought I was alright. Wrong. I peed, the sat for a second, got up, wiped, flushed, and then proceeded to slump into the empty bathtub with the shower curtain closed, and right there, I broke down. I think I may have sobbed in the tub quietly until Mark came in and asked me what was wrong. What was wrong?!?! HELLO?!?!
I told him calmly that I didn't want to talk, to leave me alone, but he persisted. Then I went into the livingroom to get away from him. He told me to sit down, and I said no, I just wanted him to leave me alone, and he said "sit down or i'll hit you again" so I sat. He proceeded to belittle me, as he had done before, and told me that if I didn't want to hear it then leave, so I ran outside to sit on the stairs, cellphone in hand. I was crying again by this time, and he kept pestering me asking "What the hell is wrong with you" and even though I said "Please leave me alone", "I'm upset", etc...he wanted more details. I told him I wasn't giving him anymore details, and he said talk to him, or leave, and that he wasn't going to leave me alone until I was off of the property (or he was calling the cops), or until he could no longer see me. So I left. I started to walk away from the complex, heading around the corner to the nearest convenience store, even though I knew they were near closing. For a few feet, he followed me, but after a few seconds I looked behind me and he was no longer there. I guess he wasn't expecting me to really get up and leave. I called his bluff. I made it to the convenience store, and sat near the payphones, texting any and everyone near me that I thought would let me stay the night until my family came. Mind you, i'm still in a night shirt, and socks. 15-20 minutes later, it started to rain. I had texted Tink, but I guess she was too busy haivng fun to hear her phone. So here I am, sitting in my PJ's in the rain, but I didn't care. I just wanted rescue. I didn't care about my clothes, and almost didn't care about my cats. I was there a total of almost 30 minutes before Mark came walking up, saying that "I've finally calmed down,...I love you more than I love my ex..." and I stopped him there. I told him I didn't want to hear anything from him, just to go back the apartment, and leave me be. He said, "It's raining your gonna get sick," I told him I didn't care.After 5 minutes more of ignoring him, he left. I continued to sit in the rain for another 10-15 minutes, and a couple of nice people pulled up in a Jeep Laraedo asking if I needed help. Yes, I did, but not from strangers. I needed out. I sat out in the rain for another 5-10 minutes, and I heard Marks car. It was him pulling up beside me in the parking lot. HE said, "come to McDonalds with me." I was reluctant to get in the car, and really didn't feel safe being in a closed space with him, so I said "No". He continued to try and talk me into getting in the car, so eventually, I got up and got in, freezing, and after a few minutes I noticed he turned the heater on for me. The whole trip neither of us said much. He asked if I was hungry, and I lied and said no. At that point, all I wanted from him was to leave me alone. He ordered for me anyway, and we finally got back the apartment. The near silence persisted, and before I knew it, he had drifted off to sleep and I was left alone feeling like shit, to think about everything that had just happened.

Fast forward to yesterday.

I finally came clean and confessed the feelings I was having for Tink. He said that I was only supposed to have feelings like that for the person I was with. I told him it wasn't as cut and dried as that with a Polyamourous Bisexual. He motioned for me to lay down on his shoulder, and I pretended to be okay and did as he asked. I sat up and he started rubbing my hair, and trying to show affection, but the more he did it, the more I felt sick. How could he treat me lower than dirt one day, and be treating me as if nothing is wrong the next day?? We ended up having sex, and nearly as soon as it was over, he started acting like his old self. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist monday, and told him everything. Tink came with me to vent her frustrations too. After we left, we both felt better.

I'm not sure how I feel about now. Tonight, i'm sleeping on the loveseat in the livingroom with Tink. I really don't care about his feelings right now, and part of me wants him to feel as bad as he made me feel sunday night. Yesterday, I got out of the shower with a towel wrapped around me, and he happned to see a bruise he gave me on sunday that I didn't know about. I just thought it was sore there. He said, "what is that??" and pointed to my thigh area, and I looked down to find a blueish-purple bruise. I don't even remember what exactly it was from, I barely even vaguely remember being hit in the leg by a fork he threw at me while I was looking for my phone in the livingroom sunday night. I said, "That's a bruise. From you." and he gave me a look that expressed half sorrow and half "oh yeah." I didn't say anymore about it.

I feel officially broken. I'm as low as I can get. I'm not happy, haven't been for years, i'm not in school, I have no job, and I depend on my SSDI for money, which Mark takes all of every month and then gives me what's left. Last time, that amount was 12 dollars and change.
Most people would say that this is my own fault for letting things get this bad, I should have left a long time ago, they wouldn't put up with it, etc...but it's not that easy.

Triad
by David Crosby
Performed on the Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young album "4 Way Street"

You want to know how it will be
Me and her or you and me
You both sit there with your long hair flowing
Your eyes alive, your minds are still growing
Saying to me what can we do now that we
Both love you -- I love you too
But I don't really see, why can't we go on as three

You are afraid, embarrassed too, no one has ever in your sweet short life child
Said such a thing to you
Your mother's ghost stands at you shoulder
Got a face like ice -- just a little colder
Saying you can not do that it breaks all the rules
You learned in school
But I don't really see, why can't we go on as mmm three

You know we love each other it's plain to see
There's just one answer comes to me
Sister lovers -- some of you must know about water brothers
And in time maybe others
So you see what we can do
Is to try something new - that is if you're crazy too
But I don't really see, why can't we go on as three

It really, relly sucks that I'm developing such strong feelings for my roomate/close friend. She's engaged to a guy, and 7 weeks pregnant, and i'm engaged to a guy who i've been with for 5 years. It's crazy, I worry about her when shes not around me, I miss her when she's gone, and it really pisses me off that she's engaged to such an asshole idiot. What hurts the most, is that even if we were both single, I'd have no chance with her because i'm not anywhere near her type. She knows i'm attracted to her, i've seen her naked (pure torture), i've participated in a threesome with her and my fiance just for my fiance before my feelings started to develop, and she knows I openly flirt with her. A lot of the time she flirts back. She's not really the "commitment" type...she loves sex, and her eyes often wander away from her fiance. Thing is. I wouldn't mind being in a polyamourous relationship with her, as long as I could have her. I know its possible for her to love and have strong feelings for more than one person at a time, and i'm starting to believe I can do the same. I just haven't been this attracted (physically or otherwise) to anyone in a long time.
Another sucky thing is, I warned my fiance this would happen when we had a threesome with her back in July(before I had any feelings for her at all),and he didn't believe me. The only thing for me to do is keep my feelings to myself, and no say anything to anyone about it. I can't. Especially not her.

I'm developing strong feelings for her, I want her to change her ways for the better, get in school (even if it's taking classes online), get a decent job (just before she found out she was pregnant about a week ago she was a stripper. She has since quit, because being pregnant has made her too sick to dance), and calm her promiscuous ways down. To be the person I know she can be. She gave up a daughter in an open adoption whenb she was 19 (she's 25 now), She has a 3 year old son (who I just adore) who lives with her ex-in laws until she gets on her feet, and I want her to be able to get him back. Her ex-inlaws told her she couldn't have him back until she had some stability...a decent, stable job, a place of her own, etc...

None of her faults make her a bad person, but a lot of them do put her in bad situations, (that along with bad decision making, which we're all guilty of sometimes, Lord knows I am)
I think my fiance is starting to realize that, but hasn't said anything about it yet or confronted me about it. I'm not trying to hurt him with this, and I still love and want to be with him, but things are rocky between us, and things need to be worked out. I don't want to hurt him.

Ok, so around 4 1/2 months ago, we had a roomate move in. She's old friends with my fiance and they used to be fuckbuddies back in highschool. I must also mention she's bi too. (As am I). Her boyfriend (they also dated back in our HS years, but broke up after almost a year) fast forward to today, 8 years later. I admit I had drawbacks letting her move in, considering she has a past sexual history with my fiance, but I agreed anyway, becuase her moving in with us was the only way she could get close enough to get visitation of her 3 year old son, since we live 10 min from her ex in-laws (who have custody of her son, but she's trying to get him back). So about 4 1/2 months ago, she moves back to Texas from Kentucky. As time passed, I began to like her, and we began to become friends. I even agreed to a threesome with her and my fiance. Last week, she took a home pregnancy test, and both tests came out positive. I took her to the dr and it turns out, she's 6 weeks pregnant with her 3rd child. I'm excited for her, but her fiance has been a real ass. When she first told him, all he wanted her to do was "get rid of it". She wants this baby, and I belive if they try, they can make their family work, with all the help there is out there, she's got tons of friends to help, and with all of the public assistance out there, (WIC, EBT, etc...). We've even asked her and her fiance to move in with us and we'd transfer to a two bedroom until they got on their feet...

Why should any of you care about this?...well, I've done a lot of favors for her, and her me, and we've become pretty good friends I guess, but the stupid thing is, i've started to have feelings for her...I know, I know, barking up the wrong tree, and I have no chance, not that i'm even wanting one, I just want to see her with someone who deserves her. Her boyfriend doesn't really want the baby, and is a complete dumbass, I mean, not smart at all, and I guess there's a little bit of jealousy there too...leave it to me to catch feelings for someone in this position...

I have an interview with Jason's Deli at 4pm tomorrow....LOVE their food but not sure I feel about working there???

"Yesterday, I made an ultimate sacrifice for the sake of being a fan of Michael Jackson. Keep in mind, that i'm already on probation for theft back in april of this year, a class b misdemeanor of 56 dollars worth of food, and then yesterday, I went to walmart with a my roomate/good friend, intending to get french bread pizza, and go home to continue to recover from a bad cold...my first time out in weeks. We were on the way to the checkout counter when I passed by these:

Michael Jackson: The Magic, the Madness, the Whole Story, 1958-2009
Written By: J. Randy Taraborrelli Published By:Grand Central Pub in Aug 2009

and

Michael Jackson Vault: A Tribute to the King of Pop 1958-2009
Written By: by David Lifton Published by: Whitman Publishing in Aug 2009


I knew it was against everything I believed in, and I knew it was wrong, but I had to have them both, and at that point, I stopped thinking, and shoved both items into my bag. I kinda had a bad feeling about it, but I tried to shake it.

We we at my car when we got caught...my roomate didn't get into trouble, I gave her my keys, and wallet, and told her to call my fiance for me.

I spent the night in jail (again), and in that time, I had a lot to think about. With a heavy heart, I began to think what this really meant for me. I had violated my probation, and had gotten caught shoplifting 53 dollars worth of merchandise, not much less than I had gotten caught with the first time. This was my 2nd offense...and I began thinking about fining my lawyer, and hoping to God that my judge didn't make me sit out jail time. Praying that she was lenient towards me. I had made a huge mistake.

It was ironic, around 1am, they showed an interview with LaToya on Michael on Access Hollywood on TV while I was in jail, and of course I was glued to it...

I'm still thinking of what this means for me, and hoping I don't get any jail time for this...praying that she gives me a fine, house arrest, or something else...I had been doing so well, never missing appointments with my probation officer, i was ahead with my probation fees, all my court costs were paid, and i was about to get off probation and have the entire incident off my record in February,...and I was supposed to start school in January...

Seriously, I am too good a person for this. I am smart, educated, and I was not raised this way. I have my share of mental and physical disabilities, but i'm a good person. I pray, and try to help anyone in need, and I try to be as much like Michael- and God as I can. I know both are dissapointed in me, and my mother and grandparents, bless their heart, they're beyond dissapointed in me, and beyond embarassed...

I've really done it now...I guess I find out my fate on my court date...Friday at 8AM..."

The costumes..the dancing....Michael would be so proud to have seen this...


And Janet....she gave that performance her ALL for Michael....she was crying and dancing at the same time...and so was I.



And unfortunately, my evil fiance just came home from work, and wants to watch something else, so I have to record the rest, and watch the trailer tomorrow...thanks a lot life.

Excuse me, I'm not PMSing, i'm MS'ing...so yes, i'm a little bitchy.



Ok, a LOT bitchy.

I've been torturing myself by watching more MJ stuff on TV, I just hope I can hold things togheher for the first part of the show (which is the only part i'm watching...just for Janet's tribute and the trailer for "This Is It"...", through Janet's tribute without breaking down, and then after this, i'm taking a break from MJ things for a bit...i'm not leaving any forums or communities or anything like that, i'm just not going to subject myself to things I know will only upset me further. It's so hard to resist watching MJ-related things on TV, but between grieving for Michael, missing him, and dealing with everything else in my life, I may have a breakdown soon. I'll still be hangin around my friends' page, reading posts, commenting if I have an opinion or something useful to say, but I just can't do it anymore...I need a break, and I think Michael could forgive me for that. Between phone calls all hours of the morning, and my mind racing about Michael related issues, I wasn't able to sleep last night. Maybe I can watch some TV until I fall asleep now that my future hubby has left for work...i'm just mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.

Watching LaToya on the episoode of 20/20 I recorded last night...i'll tell you how I feel when i'm done...



1. The unreleased songs...where are they??

2. I also believe Michael was murdered, and I agree with LaToya when she says there were more people involved...

3. I do believe that if Michael had a drug problem, SOMEONE in the family should have intervened...you couldn't PAY me to stay away from my loved ones when they need me.

4. I also believe the 50 shows planned for the This Is It concerts were too much for Michael..for anyone...and that one of the reasons that Michael agreed was to please his fans, and because he felt pressure to do so.

5. I'm not sure whether or not Michael's children are biologically his, but for sure, he WAS their father. I can look at the boys and see some similarities to Michael, they have his dark, piercing eyes, and the boys resemble Michael in his lighter state, but I don't really see any of Michael in Paris...I admit, I would like to know, if he wasn't, who IS their bilogical father.


...I stopped watching after LaToyas pasrt of the show was over...

Just dropping in to say that I got a NICE bday gift today! My 24th birthday is next month, My roomate was at WalMart and thought of me today. She got me an MJ poster :) I'm not going to open it, but she described it to me as being in black and white, with a pic of michael, and it says 1958-2009 on it...I don't wanna open it but I wanna know what it looks like!! I'm also hoping to get an MJ calendar, if anyone knows where to get any good ones, msg me!

Ya'll i'm so angry and depresed. So I go to watch somethin on my DVR yesterday morning, and my harddrive in my DVR went out. I lost ALL of the coverage that I had recorded of Michaels Staples' Center Memorial, and ALL of the coverage I had recorded of his September 3rd funeral. I have a few copies of the Memorial, and i'm TRYING to download a copy of the Sep 3 funeral, but there are no seeders, and it's the only one I see ANYWHERE. If ANYONE has the Sep 3 funeral uploaded PLEASE let me DL it from you. Email me, AIM me, Yahoo! me, anything!


I also lost a lot of Family Guy recordings, and the new episode of Bridezillas that aired on Sunday, but nothing as important as my Michael coverage....

I got a new DVR from Comcast, and reset all of my recordings, but they couldn't get me back what I had recorded before :(

I was watching 30 minutes of Linkin Park vids on TV today, and it really made me think. What happened to the old me? The dark, just-don't-give-a-damn me who was all about the music? The me who existed before I started dating HIM. Being with him has changed me so much, it's like I left the "old" me behind only to become nothing. I don't know who I am anymore, but i'm definitely not the girl I was before. Before, I was on the verge of greatness, I was about to become something, about to make something of myself, and my love of writing and music was comming with me. It's been over 5 years since i've touched my guitar, or picked up a pencil to write anything but sad, lonely blog entries about what used to be just like this one. Where did that girl go? The one who wrote poetry and prose like a pro and always had her guitar by her side? She's gone now, and in her place is a shell of a girl that once was. All of my hopes, plans dreams, AND the love of music and writing has been stifled down into a shoebox for the past 5 years...and I don't know if I can get it back...

I'm glued to CNN watching Larry King's and Anderson Cooper's coverage of the funeral, and I am surprised that they're actually allowing them to film as much as they are. People are just starting to arrive, and the immidiate family has not arrived yet. There have been a few people attening the funeral as guests on the show thus far, all having wonderful words of praise for Michael, but the funeral has not started yet.,..the family is running late. I'm just sitting here feeling numb...

To My Dearest Michael,

Today is finally the day we say goodbye. Finally you will rest and lay your burden down. "No more crying there..." they sang at your memorial...no more pain, no more fear, no more stress, no more cameras, and hopefully while you rest, you also find peace. I have let out so much emotion for you over the past nearly three months, that I feel drained, like I have nothing more to say, yet I feel as though I cannot let you go until you truly know how I feel. You are my brother, my friend, my confidant, my love. I will miss you like deserts miss rain, but I know you're in a beter place. I cannot find a way to express the anger at the irresponsible human that took you from us, but hopefully for your sake, I can find forgiveness, but it won't come soon. Many more sleepless nights will come before then, for me, and for many who loved and cared for you as I do. Go in peace knowing that I loved you unconditionally, you were a beautiful person, inside and out, so innocent, so sweet. I am confident that you are gone to a better place, becuase you were too good for us here on earth, even though you left so many to hurt and grieve, and for that, I can't help but be angry. I'm sorry, and I feel guilty for that. I know the fault is not yours. So when you go to rest, Michael, do me a favor, and say hello to my Mama, and kiss her hand for me. I take comfort that you are in the care of the angels just as everyone i've ever cared about who has passed on. From above you will watch your children grieve, and cry, and then hopefully begin to learn and grow again with your memory and legacy with them always. I know you have to go, even though I hate to lose you, but i will always have your memory, legacy, music, and photos to share with my children, once they come. And because of you, I have chosen to give your name to my first born son, who will be named " Mark Michael Joseph" in your memory. They will watch Captain Eeo, Be just as scared as I was watching Thriller, and even though I can barely do it myself, I will teach them to Moonwalk, and hope they're better at it than I am. I also take confidence in the fact that God is welcoming you home with open arms, so rest sweet Michael Joseph Jackson, and always remember,
We love you, more.

Today is bittersweet...RIP MIchael Joseph Jackson 1958~2009

Today, I had planned to have a good day. Yesterday, I planned to have a good day today. I was going to get up early, put on my mj shirt, grab up my overnight bag, and new Sansa Fuze mp3 player loaded with ALL Michael's tracks, and a couple of videos, and I was going to rejoice in the gift that God has given us in the form of Michael, and drive 3 hours to spend the weekend with my family for my uncles' huge birthday bash on a 1300 acre ranch. But when I woke up today, the sky was overcast, threatening rain, and I am meloncholy. I'm still in my PJ's, and I feel as if I am on the verge of crying. I have a lump in my throat that won't go away. Instead, I am not with my family, I didn't make the drive, and I am still here in Clear Lake, in bed, and noone knows how i'm feeling except you, me, and Michael. It makes me smile to hear his music, at least the upbeat tracks. There are some I still cannot listen to without breaking down, and even so, I loaded them on my Fuze anyway. I just skip them when they come up, since my player is set to play my songs randomly. I can't stop thinking about the day I watched his memorial, the fact that he has yet to be buried, and how the rest of his fans and family feel. I feel cheated.

Today, I am grateful that I got to spend the years I did with Michael, but part of me is angry, and wants vengeance for what happened to him. I want justice. I want him back. I want to throw a fit at the fact that this legend is "Gone Too Soon"....

So excuse me, if i'm not upbeat, and i'm sorry if your words don't console me right away, but still, I am making an effort to "Smile, though my heart is breaking"....I just "...Never dreamed he'd leave in summer"...

Around 12:30 my time this morning, when I made my first birthday post in memory of Michael, I had planned to write him a letter. But now, I feel as though my words wouldn't do him justice, and I feel as though i'm out of words to say, but at the same time, I know that Michael already knows how I feel about him, and he already knows what I have to say. But I still feel obligated to write it to him in an entry. Maybe I will get to that, maybe not...

I'm sorry if i've brought anyone down on this day, I really didn't mean to, this is just how i'm feeling right now.